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Advice Column Question & Answer

Subject: Rimming


I am a woman without much sexual experience aside from my husband. It's not much of a problem, I tend to be open about trying new things, and even if I don't like something that he does, as long as it doesn't cause much discomfort, I'm ok with... Shall we say, daydreaming of other things while he finishes it up. I know he does the same thing, and I assume that most couples do at one point or another.

We've been together for about five years, and recently, I found that he likes having his anus licked. Well, more like the area between his anus and testicles. Not a problem, it turns me on to turn him on. I was a little surprised, seeing as how he's never mentioned it to me, or directed me there (curiosity led me), but I can see where he wouldn't be entirely comfortable asking me to. I was also surprised to learn that it's common for men to like, shows how clueless I am. But after a few weeks of experimenting there, I traveled a little lower, to licking his anus. He went absolutely crazy for it. I never saw him like that. Still, not a problem, not exactly the prettiest view, but he is meticulous in keeping that area clean, so we are good. Again, I was surprised that "rimming," as I found it was called, is common. What exactly is being stimulated during rimming? Is it just because of sensitive skin?

I was curious if anal penetration generally goes hand in hand with rimming. He clams up every time I bring it up, and I don't want to do anything that would make him feel homosexual, silly, I know. I just wanted to get a little more information.


The space between the scrotum and the anus is the perineum, an oft-neglected area of sexual stimulation. It is adjacent to the prostate, and gently prodding it can actually stimulate that gland. Then you get to rimming, which you are familiar with. Rimming is not entirely safe. You can pick up e.coli, a bacteria we all know, from rimming. It's not a cleaniless thing. Plus, if your partner has hepatitis, this is a primary transmission route. As long as you are mindful of that, lick away. It is safer to lick through a condom, even in monogamous relationships.

Penetration - first off, it IS a fallacy that anal penetration with men with their women partners is somehow a latent homosexual act. Most people have no idea that anal penetration is actually not the common sexual activity amongst gay men - oral sex is. It's goes with the whole macho fear conditioning that somehow this sexual activity is categorized as homosexual. It is not. It would be like categorizing oral sex on a woman as being a lesbian act. It is not. It is a pleasurable activity that is enjoyed by both heterosexual and homosexual couples.

Should you stick your finger in there without asking? My advice would be no, but I don't know your husband. Many people - men and women - would be completely offended by this action. It has nothing to do with being gay or straight - it has to do with many people's proper concerns about cleanliness. After all, it's the asshole. So, if I were you, I would wait for an opportune moment - like when he's going crazy from the rimming - and then ask if he'd like you to go "further". That's the key word. If he says yes, then get your finger wet and gently probe just the opening a bit. Don't jam your finger there. If he responds well and the outer sphincter loosens up, then you can explore a bit further. "Further" is the magic word, because you're not saying, "Can I jam my finger up your ass?" It means, "Can I give you a bit more pleasure?" If he's not interested, he will say so, and no harm done. Good luck.

- KT

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