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Advice Column Question & Answer

Subject: How Long



QUESTION:

I have been dating this guy exclusively for about 5 months now and I think he likes and cares about me as much as I do him. OK, I am really into this guy. I have never said that I loved him and he has never said that he loves me. We already have an intimate relationship. I want to say I love you to him but I don't want to scare him off. How long into a relationship does one wait to say such a thing?

REPLY:

This is a really good question, because no answer is going to fit everyone. It is a very unique thing to the two people involved and what their feelings and history are with relationships. Guys are known for being commitment phobic and hearing I love you too early in an relationship can sometimes scare them off. But not all guys are like this. And it could be he is going through the same mental questions you are. You will also see women take a "safe" position, something like I *think* I love you but I'm not sure, which gives the guy a safer position to respond from. And it could be that the reality is it IS too early to know if real lasting love has occurred or you are still in the "hormonal" stage of bonding.

I guess I'd recommend raising the topic in a non-sexual, non-threathening situation and take the approach of just asking him how he feels about the relationship rather than if he loves you. Focus on asking what he is thinking and feeling about how its going currently and if he is just focused on what is happening now or has he felt it could be a relationship that goes deeper as time goes along. And see where the conversation goes from there.

- KT

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